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September 20, 2009
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Sep 20, 2009, 8:44:04 PM
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:icontakecare665:


Day Thirty Nine of my 365-day self portrait project.

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Today was the day. It came so fast. I already talked about this all with my day thirty eight photograph.

I'm sitting here crying. I said my goodbyes today. I didn't think I would cry but while I was standing there and his recruiter was running over how he could go to Japan for a year, or California for a year, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep telling myself it's only three months, but what I'm not thinking about is how after those three months are up, I get to see him again for maybe ten days, and then he's out of my life for an entire year. Then he comes home for another ten days, and leaves again for a year. This happens until he's done four years of active duty. Then he has a choice to re-enlist. That is thinking too far ahead. What I am thinking about is that all the time I spent with him this summer will always be the most time I'll get with him until his four years are up.
I feel like everyone around me thinks I'm over reacting about this, but no one understands that I cling to people out of instinct, and I never think about them leaving me because it is my biggest fear. This, what is happening right now, is my biggest fear, and every time I think about how my best friend is off doing something so meaningful for himself and moving on with his life, I ask myself who is going to leave next? I am so stuck in place right now and I want to move forward but I really can't. And everyone else is going to continue moving forward, getting on with their lives, and they wont want to be around me, they've much better things to do. I already know that what my best friend is about to endure will change him so drastically, I am almost positive he will look down at me when he gets home.
He means so much to me. He's filled a void I've had since we stopped being friends two years ago, and when we became friends again, I felt almost whole, for once, and that is saying so much because I've always felt almost entirely empty, and I wasn't sure why. I'm going to miss him so much because he's the only person I know who would go to nuclear power plants with me and then later say it was the highlight of his summer. There are so many qualities to him that I've never seen in anyone else, and that is why I'm convinced he is the only person who could ever truly be my best friend.
And now I'm here, alone. He just called me for the last time. I'm crying harder and all I want is some company but I feel as though no one wants to hear about this from me anymore, everyone is so sick of it, and so sick of me getting upset over it.
I don't know, I'm a mess.
Here is to the next three months. I guess now it's going to be time for me to focus on moving forward in so many ways. I want to move forward with my relationship. I want to move forward with my job. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want to be behind anyone anymore.
:iconerosmyth:
*ErosMyth Sep 26, 2009
Nice contemplative shot! You write with such eloquence, even though it's so introspective.

--
:sun:
Reply
:icondietolive4ever:
~DieToLive4Ever Sep 24, 2009
krissy as long as i live, and as long as you want me there. i will never leave your life. although we dont see eachother too often you are one of the most down to earth caring mature people i know. theres no way i could let someone like you slip through my fingers that easily. our friendship is held together with duck tape and shoestrings but show me someone that can tear that apart. no matter what comes either of our ways i feel confident in knowing we can rely on eachother to get through things. (i.e. the night you called me)yea.. i love you. take care. (p.s. the pictures nice too)
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:iconbemyantimatter:
!bemyantimatter Sep 21, 2009
i like it. : )

--
im over you now. im at home in the clouds.
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